The older I get, the more sensitive I am becoming. Everything that I thought I had survived are sometimes back haunting me in certain things that I do. Somehow, fears and insecurities have created themselves and it's scary.
I realized that I should've been more careful at a younger age of who I decided to give my heart to, we all have our attachment style from growing up with our parents that determines who we are; Anxious, secured, avoidant. Also, we all have different levels of how much abuse we're willing to take, the funny thing is that no is one to blame but yourself.
I blame myself for letting a man break my heart and emotionally abuse me repeatedly, weekly, monthly for many years with no apparent reason than him just being "fucked up" and dragging me into his darkest places. I let that emotional roller coaster affect me because I was too intoxicated with trying to save him and believing that I deserved that kind of abuse. I was never showered with unconditional love, frankly it scares the crap out of me, but I now understand how I should've protected my heart because you're not always going to be superwoman and it's important for young teenagers to be more aware of what they accept or who they choose to be with.
The reason why I should've protected myself is because now patterns from traumatic experiences are left with me when in another relationship and it's so unfair to the other person. Have you ever had a dream of someone you love doing something really hurtful and when you wake up you're actually mad at them? Well, there's times where you can't help associating relationships and their outcomes...you want to avoid the same thing to happen...before it even happened or could ever happen...Therefore, it creates confusion, pain and anger.
it takes a lot to be aware of yourself and entangle yourself from bad habits, but trying and confronting the issue with your reflection and breaking your patterns to its core step by step is the best thing you can do. It will take some time. It's like taking a new breath of oxygen and making the promise to not let fears get in the way anymore and not sabotage what you have, because you're worth it and what you have is worth it too.