Oh, the third...final...trimester...how I don't miss you, well maybe a little, I miss your tiny feet wiggling inside of my tummy but I'm finally writing this post staring at your itty face sleeping on my breastfeeding pillow, which by the way is a must have! but we'll get to that later...
the reason why I'm so late on this is A) I was so hormonal...there was no "blogging" for me to tell you how miserable I was and you're honestly in luck that I didn't put you through that. B) I've literally had no time since he's been born...but right now he's in a milk coma, so typing with one hand is becoming a thing! sorry, rephrase that- everything with one hand is a thing...
My Third trimester, picture a whale sitting around and getting bigger by the day...everything was so intense, raw and exhausting. my morning sickness had come back and I had epically failed quite a few times to not throw up in public...guess what? you only come out of it stronger! I had gotten so big, I kept getting the very insensitive question "are you having twins?" or my favorite was "wow...you're ready to pop!" when I still had a good way to go! and the winner was "he's going to be a really big baby!"...I mean who says these things? hasn't it crossed one's mind that it's completely inappropriate and perhaps hurtful? pregnant women don't want to hear that! they really don't...it's hard enough to lose yourself, your body and grow uncontrollably to what you think your baby has challenged you "how big can get mommy? woohoo" my point is "when are you due?"and "how are you feeling?" will do just fine! you can acknowledge a woman's pregnancy and if she's not, oops, then take away that burrito out of her mouth! --no lady, no!
My third trimester was defined by impatience, tiredness, heaviness, nesting maniac, hormozilla and a lot of peeing. He had dropped pretty early on,which was causing a lot of back pain and a peeing frenzy that blew my mind! Everyday I'd take a bath for immense relief and talk to him, being so impatient to meet him and meditate on my labor and reassuring myself that I was strong enough, that him and I will get through it, he'll come out happy as a clam, healthy, singing "La Marseillaise" (he is half French) and without hurting mommy. I would look around me and couldn't believe that on that mysterious day, the day that would change my life forever, he'll be here. What an insane concept, life! it's really beautiful I tell ya! :)
My biggest advice, the one that I received a lot, is sleep if you can...rest...it is difficult to get comfortable and I had to wake up every two hours to pee which honestly prepares you for what is to come once baby is here!
Sure you want to get everything ready, and I was an absolute witch when it came to that, I had to get everything DONE! it brought me some relief and some sanity even though it seemed like complete craziness, so make sure you get some help, explain that you need that to happen for your new forever role as a mother and enjoy all the other little things. Pregnancy is a funny, insane, emotional, loving, painful, exciting experience!
it was not until the last week that I had insane energy! they call it "restless legs" which is a sign that baby is coming! The day that I went into labor, I actually felt like I had drank 10 cups of coffee! and it was the day that I had finally finished the nursery and snapped a picture for my Instagram...but sit tight, as requested by many, I will write about my labor in the next post coming up and hopefully a momma out there can feel better about hers coming! it helped me so much reading about other mothers experience :)
Now that I look back, and that I see the little angel face in front of me, I realize how it wasn't as bad as I thought It was...or maybe I simply already forgot, cause that's just easier too. Whatever people tell you, "it's all so worth it" is the absolute truth...there's nothing more true, valid and real than that statement when you stare in your little miracle's eyes and he holds onto your finger.
I look at my stretch marks, and they're the evidence he had grown into a healthy baby. I look at my uneven breast and it's a sign he's eating all the good milk my body is miraculously producing for him. I look at my kangaroo pouch and I reminisce him being exactly right there sitting and waiting to be in my arm. I look at the extra 60 lbs I gained on the scale and well....drop mic, I got nothing for you on that one...*giggles*...and yes, it's still all worth it <3
Hello second trimester, hello energy and a bit of ME back!
First, thank you to Sparkling mama that helped me keep up with my morning sickness during the first trimester, I was finally able to put it on the side this time around and not rely too much on it anymore! Sparkling mama is this delicious ginger taste effervescent powder that you mix with your water, and it's all natural, very important. When I had no more hope, I found their company and it really helped! plus watermelon and Pringles....the combination...yes that's all I could actually keep down. so preggo ladies I RECOMMEND IT if you're dealing with morning sickness. Which sadly, I am dealing with again at my third trimester, but that's a whole other story...so Sparkling mama, I'm ready for you again!................
Once I entered the second trimester I really felt a relief on a lot of symptoms, somewhat gradually but it felt pretty instant. I still remember the day where I wasn't too nauseous to even just scroll down on my phone or let alone able to enjoy a shower without having to rush to the toilet. That means I finally had a few better hair days!!!!!! hooorraaa! my man was probably so happy to witness my comeback!
I was not as sensitive to smell anymore and emotionally, I honestly felt less....depressed! yes, first trimester I hit a rough patch where it was just really hard and sometimes I wondered if I was even able to do this...which I know I'll encounter these thoughts again but to get through any of them feels good and is encouraging. So don't worry Mommies to be...it'll be ok! cry it out! it'll feel good!
Especially when everything is heightened...your 10 minute regular cry as turned into a 30 minutes "can't stop" roller coaster and your hubby is starring at you puzzled wondering as to why is it such a big deal that he took the last bite of your sandwich...oops...fellas...don't...just don't do it! save yourself!
The funny thing about the second trimester is I felt great, had ligaments pain here and there but I also could feel bad very very very quickly with barely any alerts! I mean...a little "hey girl you're about to barf your face off at farmer's market" would've been nice...just as much as a "get ready..." you know, that would've been cool... NOPE..I wasn't ready...neither were the people around me...and If I could've chased the three little high school brats that exclaimed "ewww" walking right by me as I was about to faint...believe I would've turned these B*****s into virgins. Anyway, forgive and forget...*insert angel face here*.
Besides that, I felt like a cute baby bump rockstar, I had energy, I was excited to start looking pregnant and not just bloated from Mac and cheese.
I started getting my little outfits in a row and finding out who I am pregnant...! it's fun and such a crazy thing to see your body change, your partner witnessing it, all because of a brand new life growing in your belly! I mean that's nuts!!!! I didn't feel him kick until at least 24 weeks, which for some is a little late...but my advice, don't worry! I worried too much (update: when I read this post to my man, he looked at me and laughed..."UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE WHOLE BLOG POST! TELL THEM I SAID SO!" bahhaha so yeah, I'M DOWNPLAYING IT a bit...I was worried AF...so don't do it!!! don't be like me!) I was a little nervous to not feel him when everyone kept asking me if I was...and honestly there's nothing more true than every pregnancies are different...so keep that in mind and if you're pregnant, enjoy the hell out of it! if you're not, you can do it when the time comes!
(if you wonder, I am writing this article at 32 weeks...which my next article will probably "smell" a little less like flowers, but I still wouldn't change a thing, and do it again....I mean we'll talk after labor...but so far that's what I stand by)
It was very interesting to me, after uploading 5 pregnancy apps after finding out I was pregnant, yes that's the first thing I did (in case I'd miss any super, vital important details on the complexity of making a human) that for some women the first trimester was their worst.
I thought to myself, "oh come on! how can a little peanut make it so bad"
well...C-H-A-L-L-E-N-G-E A-C-C-E-P-T-E-D...WAIT FOR IT....WAIT FOR IT.....( if you don't know which show this is referring to...let's just say you're missing out, xoxo)
The day I found out, I was eating a salad and playing Mario kart.
As Peach was ruining my life (I only play Peache's character, Queen attitude ya'll) I was waiting for my digital test to give me an answer, which BTW takes a little too much time when you need an answer ASSAAPP. Some will just say I'm being a drama queen, and I'll just flip my hair.
Anyway, I zoned out and when I looked down that's when I saw it. The nicely, unoffensive word "Pregnant." Clearly, Clear Blue is clear on making you feel some type of way. All I remember is my salad flying and Peach driving into a wall. GAME OVER...I mean GAME ON! :)
In about two weeks my life turned into the toilet and I...Me and the toilet type of deal. I couldn't even keep water down. I never threw up that much in my entire life and it basically lasted for 9 weeks...9 freaking weeks. I feel terrible for women who have morning sickness longer or throughout their whole pregnancy (which is rare)...it's brutal! to the ones who didn't have any, you're in luck and I hate you...but I love you.
I actually spoke to more women out there who didn't have morning sickness. So basically don't worry. I was informed that if you had a hard time with the pill, chances are you might have morning sickness...
The first trimester is actually the biggest (pardon my French) mind fuck, they tell you that you shouldn't tell anyone for at least three months about your life changing news. In the meantime you're becoming this strange creature, your hormones are more dynamic than a Daft Punk concert and you're close to getting a 5150 in the company of Kanye West as you slowly look like you hit the buffet a little too hard.
Here's my take on it, as I felt like it was actually very challenging for me, even though I didn't want to open up about my pregnancy because I was so sick and that I was ready to punch you in the face if you looked at me with your perfect put-together-grin and said "congratulations", I did isolate myself and it didn't make it easier. I think that it depends on the type of person you are, but if you need support before the safe mark of miscarriage is over and you can get it from people that would be as supportive if something did go wrong...go for it. It's ok!
Either way, pregnancy can get very overwhelming with the DO'S and DON'TS and I think that you should design certain aspect of your pregnancy to your own comfort.
The first trimester is the time to grasp, inform & be kind with yourself, rest, get your prenatal vitamins, be thankful to have the chance to create life and eat everything (except sushi, raw meat and some other stuff that I think they need to chill about...but that's just me and the rest of the world that are perfect baby makers too) and get ready to feel sooo much better on your second trimester! party time! ;)
if you're pregnant of only a few weeks, don't drink a whole bottle of water before a test (it could come up as negative like my second test did and If I knew that I would've avoided a crazy emotional roller coaster) because your hormones are not enough present in your body. If you can wait to do a test in the morning, it's better.
Your boobs are going to hurt like a..... BBBBEEEEEEPPPPPPP.
you're going to be huuunngrrryyyyyy.
Your first doctor appointment is around 8 weeks (unless you're at risk)
apps that I like:
Baby center very informative, keeps going even after birth.
Ovia pregnancy, you can check medication and food safety.
Pregnancy + , add your belly pics and more.
There's nothing more beautiful than to be with someone where you both see a future with each other. BINGO! sounds so easy but it's hard to find...and when you do, your life changes and maybe...just maybe you add a little peanut to your duo and make a trio! hint: currently cooking due in July! :)
I always wanted kids, did I imagine myself writing a blog post about pregnancy? no...did I imagine I'd say what I'm about to say? not even close. At first, you see yourself pregnant or you find out you're pregnant, (which you'll remember for the rest of your life) and you're like, yeah I can do it! we can do this!
- 9 months? enough time.
- bump? what's the big deal, I'll work it out after.
- exercise during pregnancy? piece of cake!
- no sleep during baby? I'll snooze while peanut is cooking.
NEWSFLASH ALERT!!!!!!! I don't want to break any bubbles here...but think twice on all of these statements! pregnancy is....well, If you're one of those who loved every MINUTE of it...give me a buzz, I want to take some of your unicorn potion.
So here's a little rundown....9 months, technically 10 because it's supposed to be 40 weeks...goes by really fast! you're already in your third trimester before you even fully understand your lifetime upcoming huge responsibility...I mean HUGE!! you're going to be parents. PARENTS!!!! hello planet earth, what just happened! :P
Bump....? yes, let's talk about it...first of all, let's call them BUMPS. boobs & belly. Good morning sunshine, today you have reached an E cup with a little flavor of 25 extra pounds....l-o-v-i-n-g i-t *insert sarcastic face.* One day your face looks like elephant man and the next you're looking like Queen B ate a few too many hot dogs..no biggie!
exercise during pregnancy? Well some can, absolutely!!! others...If you're as lucky as me and threw up 12 times a day, couldn't even keep water in, missed your man with your throw up of a few inches on a day to day basis but he still loves you and holds your hair........there's no exercise!!!!!!! Luckily....like they say "don'y worry it'll pass at about 12...15 weeks" and you want to punch someone in the face...actually for some it is accurate! it shall pass and you exercise a bit as you're getting bigger, what a mind fudging experience! when was the last time you worked out to get bigger?!
wait did someone say fudge?!! -- Oh the hunger...I've never experienced something like that, and they warned me "if you think you're hungry now! wait till you breastfeed!" so I'll tell you about that when I get there. For now, when I wake up in the morning, Kyle at times turns into a delicious looking pancake, French toast....I mean I'M HUNGRY! feed the beast!
dudes, advice? read the baby books! Kyle wakes up every morning asking me, what do you need, what can I get for you? the thing is, the dad feels powerless especially if you're really sick and you're carrying the peanut so don't let him feel left out! one thing we learned as a team, as a couple is communication! tell him how you're feeling...what you need....get him involved! otherwise he'll feel really shut out...and too many things are changing...emotionally, physically, FOR THE BOTH OF YOU! we learned that hormones are communicated to the man....! haha I won't mention the times I'd look at Kyle and he'd by tearing up at an emotional scene in a random movie..."you alright there my love?" :))) and he'd reply "I don't know why I'm so emotional!!" meanwhile I'm shoving ice Cream in my mouth...well I don't know either!.... jokes!
the No sleep...I'm not there yet but I'm starting to get the weird dreams...the vivid pregnancy dreams...the other day I dreamt of of a tuna pizza...I could feel the crust...taste the cheese...to wake up to no pizza!!!!!! I'm also getting uncomfortable at nights and I know it only gets worse...so rest up princess...anytime of the day..while you can! at least that's the advice I keep getting, I ain't mad at it.
more to come!
I've often heard people talk about the moment their entire life changed, an absolute rotation of events as they surrendered to their religious, spiritual beliefs or simply decided to become a better person aka more positive. I had listened carefully to these "success" stories and wondered what was I possibly doing wrong? — Why was I always finding myself in painful situations? I understood I was blaming others, making the same mistakes over and over again and I was nurturing my own misery instead of acting on what I needed to change to become exactly the woman that I deserved to be. We all deserve that, man or woman and I had let too many people or tragedies in my life make me believe otherwise.
I was at a breaking point, down to my knees kind of scenario where I didn't think there would be light out of the tunnel. I am sure you can relate to that feeling, we've all been there and we've been told "everything will be okay." --will it though?
Positive reinforcement from your entourage is critical but what really saved me was looking for the tools to believe and affirm my own being that everything would, in fact, be okay.
My girlfriend, for her own sake we're going to call her “Mary”, watched me over and over again making the same mistakes, carrying my bag of crap that I held onto. She thought that when things were maybe getting better for me, the ceiling would crash over my head again. I was finally ready to listen to her, to hear her, to seek for help and stop acting like an independent fool proud of my destructive ways. Yup, I said it, that pride turned into a pillar to keep my head up high to pretend with a devilish smirk I had created all of this chaos on my own. Oh, stupid me.
One thing I did learn and I’ll tell you right now since we’re on that subject, you’re not fooling anyone. Think you’re in control and keep going against the universe, believe me that you will get a rude awakening for your stubborness. Ultimately your angel, your fate, call it whatever you want, truly want the best for you once you stop fighting against the currant .
Back to my poor friend trying to save me: she handed me the book "A return to love" written by Marianne Williamson. Besides the religious terms that at first glance rubbed me the wrong way, I actually felt for the first time completely understood by another human being. Marianne opened up in details that I thought were not only brave but undeniably inspiring. If that woman changed her life, her belief system, looked at life where all fears are merely only an illusion and above all love is the most important— why couldn’t I do that for myself? Of course the book is a little more complex than that, but bottom line is that you shouldn’t fear and process life with love.
Whoever you think “wants to hurt you” is not the truth. No one is trying to do that, as a matter of fact you should perceive them with love and understand that they are hurting more than you are. Also, forgiveness…letting go and praying for a miracle. It was finding my own reboot button never knowing I even had one! Say whhaaat?
They all say that the reboot button is not going to make everything pretty right away. That’s a little nerve-wracking at first and thought to myself, well thanks this makes me want to go for worst-than-this and hopefully come out alive to live the dream. Honestly as impatient as I was, I figured I had nothing to lose. The only thing keeping me from doing something stupid to myself was my little sister, and that’s ugly to admit.
So what’s a few more months of chaos with a rebooted mind and soul to get a happy life, love and be loved?
For some people they realize what needs to change before they get down to their knees, kuddos to them, I wasn’t one of those. I lived in my misery, darkness and sadistically liked it because I was too scared of what was possibly on the other side... but enough is enough.
After reading and processing carefully what my new mindset had to become: all love; fear is only an illusion. I still recall that morning walking around and feeling butterflies in my heart. I was looking at humans and seeing them with a whole different perspective. I understood that everyone has a story and I had to respect that beyond measures wether it involved me or not at all. I started clearing my head, If a destructive thought came along, I’d just repeat to myself “fear, delete.” I was basically reshaping my brain. Unlearning everything I had learned like a four year old; In a busy store and wanting to explode I’d repeat “love, just love” and so on. I was like a calculated thinking machine recycling my thoughts. Even though it was annoying, I treated myself like a patient who needed help and I needed to do this to turn my life around and to attract the right people in my life. Is that a real thing? When you start being positive, loving, seeing and desiring light….do you start welcoming those kind of humans in your life too? Well, I guess I am the living example of that. My life has completely changed. Completely. It was time for me to shut some doors and open new ones. Taking risks, say yes to things I’d never even imagine or consider and just bite into life like I had a second chance to eat my favorite meal all over again (if you know anything about me, you’d know how that’s my kinda heaven) I kept reassuring myself with “what do I have to lose?”— it was simple, “what would old Julie do in this situation? - Do the opposite.”
As I wrote this on the go & adventure with the love of my life traveling through the US...I just thought I'd share a bit oh how I got there...
It wasn't easy and will never be but the difficulties can change in their nature...the process of processing life becomes a whole new world when you don't think with a doomed mindset.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Healing comes from loving yourself, I now understand the meaning of it deeper than just the obvious surface mirrored reflection on a daily basis. After doing a lot of work on myself, being patient and being kind to my soul, I understand that nothing but myself should be my source of happiness. That's only when you feel happy and in love with your life that you have unexpired time & love to spread to others.
I always accepted myself in whatever shape my body was but I was never feeling good, I was tired, moody, bloated, never really getting results when I would workout and I had a bad case of Hypoglycemia that kept me from doing anything that demanded some effort. I thought I had a problem with my Thyroid until someone pointed out that it was all probably food related. BINGO! indeed....I found out I was completely intolerant to gluten. I had to change my entire diet...journey on the other side...on the healthy side!!!
As you may know, there's no magical pill, the magical pill is eating healthy, drink tons of water and you have to be motivated to make a change and being patient. Getting results when you eat healthy and exercise are a given. You just have to be patient anf have fun with it. I have now started my little lifestyle about 5 months ago and I lost 14 lbs and went from a size 6 to a 0. Some will say that I look too skinny or too fat or whatever they'd like to say; we all have a right to an opinion. I just know that I feel amazing and my energy is plenty, also my hypoglycemia has vanished. Here's the trick, create yourself a lifestyle that can be sustainable. Diets are shit, there's no need to drive yourself nuts dieting and losing it over a doublecheeseburger. Pretty much use your common sense, what's nourishing and what's not. Your body will start craving all the good stuff once you start giving it just that.
Here's the easy way to do this: cook, don't buy anything packaged unless you eat out so save money and get your ass to your kitchen. Drink a lot of water and watch your salt! I barely need salt now and whenever I eat out, my mouth almost shatters at the amount of salt that is used and my heart starts beating fast! (my dad would be so thrilled about this right now as he used to be horrified at how much salt I'd use)
what a day looks like and what do I eat:
morning: Coffee - 2 tsp of brown sugar, almond milk.
Banana pancakes, 2 eggs and 1 banana (mash the banana, mix with eggs add cinnamon and cook like you would with pancakes. magic) I add lemon and raw organic honey. delicious
smoothie brand PHOOD with 1 banana, cinnamon, raw organic honey, a bit of coconut oil, almond milk.
Cottage cheese with almonds, 1 banana, raw organic honey.
Lunch: Lentils with chicken and hummus, honey goat cheese, cherry tomatoes and a little bit of olive oil. I add honey everywhere....I'm a honey Freak....you don't have to be, I just love the sweet and salty taste.
Cooked kale with Tofu, garlic, tomatoes and steamed broccolini.
Little munchies: almonds or banana with peanut butter or cottage cheese with honey or apples, juices......
Dinner: Steamed salmon with mashed sweet potatoes
black beans pasta with zucchini, cherry tomatoes, sprinkled honey goat cheese and garlic.
Eggplant with chicken breast.
and cup of soothing tea, chamomile, dandelion, peppermint before i go to sleep.
This is just an example, I get creative but I mostly steam everything, add garlic, parsley, and some delicious ingredients for your body.
Just have fun with it and treasure your body and what you put in it instead of treating it like a trash bag. Nourish it!
as far as working out,
15 to 20 min cardio- 2 times to three times a week. Can include treadmill or these suckers:
Jumprope 100 to start and 100 to finish.
resistance exercises with weight lifting and ball - choose or four different exercises, 15 reps. 3 sets.
balancing exercise on the half blue ball. Like squats with a weight.
and have fun making some research on instagram for new ideas. There's some amazing accounts with dope videos to get inspired from.
ask someone to workout with you and keep track of your results! so much more fun.
don't forget to allow your body to rest!!! that's how muscles recover and shape....
Here's a before and after picture....it's difficult to show it but at the same time I always loved my body no matter what. I'm happier now, mind & body. Now as i know some of you are wanting to make a change as well, this is why I'm writing this article, feel free to ask me questions!! And now you know what to do tomorrow morning....up, up, go on and love yourself and give some loving to your body and to who you truly are!!
The most dangerous human beings are the ones who have no interest in expanding their brain. I call them the "small brain" people. They're the ones who are stuck in their own ways from the day they were born, they believe that where they come from or reside is the best that they can possibly ever get and never questioned what it's like on another continent.
Perception of yourself from another country, another way of life, customs, beliefs and way of being is life changing. Acquiring the respect of appreciating that you're not alone on this planet is a gift of life. Understanding and learning why other people live a certain way, believe in certain things and opening yourself to experience these different aspects is putting your human life to its full potential. What mattered to you yesterday, perhaps don't matter today because you've dived in an ocean bigger than your little city and danced with other living creatures or you visited a two thousand years old village and witnessed people still living in purity; their face is beauty of art, a map, a bible. Their surroundings is so different than yours and the whispers, insights and secrets that these people and places holds for your growth is to admire and it's intoxicating.
Some of us are stuck in our own spiral, our own truth that we create and rarely attempt to "proof test" because we are so sure that what we are doing is the best until nothing changes and others will perceive something completely different of who you are because you're not exposing greatness, you're exposing the same crap over & over again and it gets old. Our vision is poisoned by sex, drugs, money and social media and we get lost. I'm a victim but I'm also a mind craving type of person seeking other truths, philosophies and picturesque experiences.
I have experienced more than once walking out of my bubble and getting a big slap in the face and realizing how much of a loser I am, a schmuck. My interests are all the wrong ones, I'm worried about the insignificant things and what I own in my heart is locked in by the fear of being real.
That's how you change, how you become strong, how you actually become "weird" to the "small brains" out there, how you read philosophy or psychology and understand it, how you can break your selfish ways and learning that by living with others is expanding your ability to do great things.
My point is, go out there, it is not a waste of time to travel, to be by yourself, to read and to observe. It can be pricey, indeed, but there are endless ways to find a way to save money and go conquer. Visit
she has the best tips for how to make it happen and her experiences are enlightening. It will make you want to pack and go.
Stay classy, learn, talk about something else than genitals, reinvent yourself endlessly so the rest of the world will admire you.
you are welcome to visit my father's Flickr account for empowering, raw, beautiful moments captured.
This voice in my head shouted, all of a sudden, these three words : "live a little." I have been so confined in my own ways and molded into a routine that I forgot to take risks, to have spontaneous adventures and just live. It was like an outer body experience where you witness your other self that is bringing you down and you decide to boot her away! go away! I've realized that worrying my life away is not going to do me any good and I'm only gaining wrinkles. I'd rather gain these wrinkles because I played in the waves for too long. Of course don't forget your sunscreen...but live a little!!!
I don't want to work a job I hate just to pay bills and somehow still suffocate because i'm unhappy and surprisingly still broke.
I don't want to beat myself up to do the best that I can do at something that I don't give a shit about. As "bratty" as it might sound, I just don't want to do things that I don't want to do that will result in me waking up 10 years from now and wonder...what now? So I take risks, I quit jobs, I get new jobs because guess what, you will find another job if you have/need to and I still manage to enjoy life.
Some of us don't have everything planned out, perhaps it's a luxury and we take it for granted by being worried of the unknown...of what's next...we don't see the train rails so it freaks us out and instead of going forward we're motionless. Like my father said to me once "It tells me more about your character when I see you fight for something you hate for the security rather than move on and take risks and believe!" He's right...I don't want to be that person that complains everyday and doesn't do anything about it. Good energy is contagious, the more you put out there, the more you'll receive in mysterious ways.
At least I force myself, no more monologues with Mr. Anxiety trying to tell I'm not good enough or social anxiety...I'm not the most comfortable around people but now I tell myself, nope, get out...GO! get out of your comfort zone...be uncomfortable, get to know yourself in that circumstance and every time I do I come back to myself feeling satisfied, accomplished and my soul is nourished. Basically, I'm battling against myself.
Yes, I'm worried about my future, yes I'm worried about money, yes I'm worried that I'll just end up single and a loser, yes I'm worried that I'll never become the great actress that I can be...but these things are not in my control if I just worry about them, work extensive amount of hours keeping me further to my goals, do nothing about it and let myself drown in depression because i'm unhappy for obvious reasons. It's a vicious cycle that I refuse to fall into. I've been victim of it and all I ended up with was a waste of time, debts, sickness, severe depression, no growth.
I sit down and brainstorm ideas that I have, that hopefully will come to life with the work that I put into it. It won't happen overnight and I have to believe that it will all be okay.
Cheers to living a little! go out, go to the movies, go lay on a piece of grass to see the stars, go and cook your best meal, go and dive in the ocean, go take surf classes, go travel by yourself, go do something you've never done before and also work towards your goals. Just don't lose yourself...don't forget to live.
I want to laugh, I want sun, playfulness and good vibes to flush away the negativity and let go of things that I can't control and let time decide for me when the answers to my questions are ready.
The older I get, the more sensitive I am becoming. Everything that I thought I had survived are sometimes back haunting me in certain things that I do. Somehow, fears and insecurities have created themselves and it's scary.
I realized that I should've been more careful at a younger age of who I decided to give my heart to, we all have our attachment style from growing up with our parents that determines who we are; Anxious, secured, avoidant. Also, we all have different levels of how much abuse we're willing to take, the funny thing is that no is one to blame but yourself.
I blame myself for letting a man break my heart and emotionally abuse me repeatedly, weekly, monthly for many years with no apparent reason than him just being "fucked up" and dragging me into his darkest places. I let that emotional roller coaster affect me because I was too intoxicated with trying to save him and believing that I deserved that kind of abuse. I was never showered with unconditional love, frankly it scares the crap out of me, but I now understand how I should've protected my heart because you're not always going to be superwoman and it's important for young teenagers to be more aware of what they accept or who they choose to be with.
The reason why I should've protected myself is because now patterns from traumatic experiences are left with me when in another relationship and it's so unfair to the other person. Have you ever had a dream of someone you love doing something really hurtful and when you wake up you're actually mad at them? Well, there's times where you can't help associating relationships and their outcomes...you want to avoid the same thing to happen...before it even happened or could ever happen...Therefore, it creates confusion, pain and anger.
it takes a lot to be aware of yourself and entangle yourself from bad habits, but trying and confronting the issue with your reflection and breaking your patterns to its core step by step is the best thing you can do. It will take some time. It's like taking a new breath of oxygen and making the promise to not let fears get in the way anymore and not sabotage what you have, because you're worth it and what you have is worth it too.
You can never know what it feels like until you've gone through it, and that is not held against you but sometimes a little common sense goes a long way to not stir more uncontrollable, unidentifiable feelings. When someone just found out about a death of a loved one, everything becomes sore, fragile, your words are not as casual anymore and they sure resonate.
The irony is that there is not a lot you can say, but they are things you can simply avoid...and it's not rude for you not to say them...if anything it's the opposite.
What to say is actually replaced by simply being present...Being thoughtful, a hand, an eye contact, a touch and silence! yes, silence...is therapeutic.
Get out of your ways to avoid not understanding, in a deeper sense, what this person is going through at a very time sensitive moment where a lot of your survival instincts, hurt and disbelief are switched on. No one is asking you to awaken emotions but just think through of what feels right to do and say and what doesn't.